mentally abundant.

caution: this is a highly pessimistic entry.

At this moment, 11.16pm I am crying alone at the living room typing this entry. I don't know why, and I don't understand.

I wanted to sleep, I am very tired. But, I can't. Because the room air-cond with 23 degree celsius is too cold for me. I wanted to sleep well under the temperature, but I just couldn't. On the other hand, my first sister she very scared of the warm. And she asked me to go to the half-store-room to sleep cause I am allowed to not to switch on the air-cond there. I just shut up.

My second sister. She knows I had the operation and the pain is really really killing. She complained, saying I nagged a lot and she feels suffering whenever I say I am in pain. I cannot do anything with it. We're under one roof. We're one family, I don't know whom to talk to.

I tried to talk to him. He knows I am pain. I cannot think rationally hence I complained a lot of things to him. And, I said a lot of negative things, too. All this is because he is the only path I can release my pressures and stress. But now, he said all the negative things will harm us, our relationship. Out of sudden, I don't know whom to talk to. I am very suffering right now. I don't know what to do. I dare not to tell him all these. I scared it will harm us more. But I am really almost dead right now. I really don't know how and what to do. I cannot talk to anyone about my problem. People who has the authority to listen, they don't. People who doesn't, I don't wanna talk to them about my private problems. I really really don't know what to do right now.

And, I keep saying I wanna go back to Kampar because he is there and at least I can get a little bit of comfort but not staying in Klang being taunt by my sisters.

I wish, my wound not pain and everyday smile happily to my 2nd sister.
I wish, I can stand the cold temperature and sleep together with my 1st sister but not in the half-store room.
I wish, I will never say negative things to him because I don't want him to be unhappy.

But the fact is I cannot. I am also a human. I tried my very best already. I need to release some negative things. May be I should leave for a moment, to some where no one knows me.

I doubted, is there anyone still cares for me in this world. I am truly doubting...